I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
