It's Friday. Sex?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
