You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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