well I can't set my house on fire every night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
