i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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