somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
