Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
