This is not my ceiling
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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