Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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