I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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