He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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