wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
