I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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