Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
