Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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