I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
