I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
40s are totally the cure
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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