i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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