i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just found puke in my bra..
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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