Nicole vs. Life
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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