Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize