I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
