maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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