I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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