are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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