You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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