last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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