My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize