Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
