Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
