She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
