Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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