Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
