I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize