And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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