Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
