this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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