I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
