i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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