Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
