if only i could text you this smell
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize