have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
