I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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