Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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