My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
