Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
