I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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