god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize