Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Slut skills are useful in every country.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I will pee on everything he values.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
