when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
