I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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