I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize