Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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