does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
that may or may not have been my penis.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
