I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
