i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
