peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
