Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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