I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
