I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
