i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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