someone threw a dead crab at me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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