i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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