i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
