You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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