so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize