Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
